Member Stories
From the depths of sorrow, to finding peace and hope, our members have so much they want to share about this unexpected journey we are on...
Many of you have living children who were also affected when their sibling died. Or maybe you have had another baby, or are expecting again after your loss, and have an older child in your life. How can you help these children understand about baby loss?
One way is to use children’s books to help you approach the topics of death and grief. There are an enormous number of books about loss for children out there, and it can be a bit overwhelming to know which is right for the child or children in your life. I’ve put together a list of books that specifically address the death of a baby. Some of these books are available at the public library. Some are available through online sellers such as Amazon, Centering Corporation- grief resources, and Grief Watch. Some may be out of print and more difficult to find. Bereaved Parents of Madison will supply you with two free books per month. You can request these books through our BPOM Book Request Form. Note: Many of these books mention two parents, a father and a mother, and many discuss God or heaven. You may wish to review these books before you share them with your child depending on your beliefs or family structure. I also estimated the age of the child that the books, where appropriate, for many of the books. Books About Baby Loss
Books for Children who were Born After their Sibling Died
These are just some of the books out there specific to baby loss for children. We hope that you will be able to find a book that helps to comfort your child. Tanya Mudrick Chair of the Bereaved Parents of Madison Education and Outreach Committee
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It’s been a couple of years since my son was stillborn, and I can still vividly remember the fog of grief and uncertainty about the future that I felt in the following weeks and months. My wife’s pregnancy was abruptly and unexpectedly over, and our hopes and dreams for our future with Calvin died along with him. Life felt both overwhelming and pointless. It was hard to focus. It was hard to look forward to anything. I was so angry that this terrible thing had happened to us. Why us?
More than anything else, I remember the isolation. While he was so real to me, Calvin was an abstract concept to nearly everyone else. Few people other than a handful of family members and friends came close to understanding what we had lost. Some gave unhelpful platitudes, or would ask how my wife was doing and ignore how I was doing. Most either avoided the subject or avoided me completely because they didn’t know what to say. On my first day back at work, only three people in my office of forty talked to me at all. I felt the expectation to grieve quickly and then move on. Either be okay, or pretend to be okay. The world didn’t stop just because mine did. Support group was a place of refuge. For one night a month, I could talk about my son with people who acknowledged that he existed. I was allowed to be sad, angry, proud, jealous, or whatever else I wanted to feel. I could share pictures of him. I could talk about my experiences with people who actually understood because they had similar experiences. By going to support group, I realized that even though I felt isolated in my regular life, I wasn’t alone. Gradually, the fog lifted and I was able to move forward. Life didn’t get back to normal, but a new normal emerged. I came to understand that nothing in life was guaranteed, which helped me better appreciate each moment and each day, and to live life on life’s terms. I learned that by focusing on the things in life I had influence over, I was better able to avoid stressing about the things out of my control. I recognized the vital importance of having a community of people supporting each other during life’s difficult moments. In the years since, my wife and I have continued to keep Calvin’s memory alive by remaining engaged with the loss community. We attended a retreat with other grieving families at Faith’s Lodge. We have participated in numerous BPoM events and found new friends. I have especially enjoyed the camping and bonfire events where I could specifically connect with other dads. My wife found meaning by being a community volunteer for the HUGS program. In fall 2019, I was proud to testify along with dozens of my peers at the State Capitol in support of a bill that would create an income tax credit for parents of stillbirths. I didn’t know it at the time, but the crushing weight of grief that I felt in the beginning would eventually give way to pride, meaning, and purpose. If you are early in your journey of grief, please know that you have a community of people ready to walk that journey with you. You are not alone. Life will get better again. Brian C., Calvin’s Dad Dear Mama,
There will never be the right words to convey the depth of my sorrow for the loss of your sweet baby. No one should have to experience the loss of a child, regardless of age or gestation. Please know that while you may feel alone, you are not. You may not know it, but there is a supportive community of other mothers of loss who will be there to guide you. They will reassure you of two things: it’s not your fault and some day you will be able to carry this loss more easily. It's not your fault. There is still so much we do not know about the human body, which is maddening. Please know that you did everything right with the information you had available at the time. You were a fighter and if your love and strength were the sole factors in a different outcome, then it would have happened. Your sweet baby knows how much you love them and wanted them. You did everything you could, even if it may have meant putting yourself at risk. Please find peace in the time you carried your sweet baby and the way you got to say good-bye. Embrace the memories of the first ultrasound and the first kicks. Know that they felt your love when you’d talk, or sing, or read to them. Take heart and be strong. I know how easy it is to fall into darkness and despair, but it’s important to look towards the light, even when it feels like you’re drowning. Reach out to your family and friends. Understand that they may not know the right thing to say or do. Forgive them for this. Tell them what you need. Let them comfort you. You deserve their comfort. Please don’t punish yourself for this. Your child would not want you to live your life in despair. Your child matters and will always matter. Say their name. Look at their picture. Hold their blanket and think of them. Keep their memory alive however you feel necessary: plant a garden, make donations in their name, give them a stocking at Christmas, or include them in your family however feels right to you. This will always hurt, and you’ll always miss them and wonder “what if?” but please don’t let this define you. You are more than the sum of your losses and struggles in life. Honor your child by living how you think they would want you to live. Care for yourself as you would want to care for them. With love, Danielle Luciano’s Mom Life did feel perfect for a time being. Being pregnant without any fertility treatment and after a few months of trying, our baby’s due date 3 days before our wedding anniversary (a perfect anniversary gift), siblings close in age. That was the calm before the storm. Everything about me changed after losing my 2nd son, Samip, who was born sleeping on Jan 16, 2018. We lost him at 37 weeks of healthy pregnancy. After Samip died is when I truly understood life. My life was shattered. But my mind was in a fight; I do not know with whom. Probably with someone who was making my life choices for me. I didn’t like it. I wanted to make my own choices and I wanted to win. It sounds odd, but this one sided mental fight got me trying for another baby. I didn’t think whether I was ready, whether I had grieved enough for Samip. I would always remember and miss him. I knew a future pregnancy would be terrifying no matter how long I waited.
After trying for a few months, I found out I was pregnant in November 2018. I joined Rainbow Pregnancies of Madison Facebook group after a few weeks. Just knowing there are other women who had a baby after loss was reassuring.Those nine months were daunting. I had so many questions: what do I do differently this time, how do I make sure this baby will be born crying, was that a kick or a cramp, sleepless nights, fear and anxiety every moment, who do I talk to, will someone judge me for being paranoid? It was tough. A constant war between fear and hope. Having this support group was a safe place to share all my feelings. A lot of us hadn’t met in person or may never meet. But their words of comfort, encouragement, virtual hugs and presence was what kept me sane during my pregnancy after loss journey. Doctor appointments were the most terrifying. Fear of silence and hope for a heartbeat. I would share about everything that was stressing me. In this group, I would always feel heard. My fears were not ignored, they were validated, understood and comforted. Pregnancy after loss is a journey of hope and fear. It will be lonely to navigate through this without people who you can truly relate to and who will understand. I am truly thankful for this group and these amazing women who marched alongside me on my journey. My rainbow boy, Sanup, is a year old now. If you find yourself going through pregnancy after the loss of your baby, please know that there is a network of people here to support you. Srijana P. - Mom of Samip Are you pregnant after loss? Join our Rainbow Pregnancies of Madison private Facebook page or the monthly support group for mamas. Email Rebecca at [email protected] to learn more or see the August calendar for support group details. August 2020 E-newsletter |
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We are taking submissions for articles to share in our monthly e-newsletter. We believe it is healing for parents to share their experiences and valuable for the both community to relate and professionals to gather a better understanding. AuthorEach of these stories was featured in an e-newsletter and distributed to parents and professionals in our community. We hope that parents reading these stories will feel less alone and that the caregivers and professionals that we trust can learn from our experiences. Archives
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Updated 2021-2-28 |