I Have a Brother in Heaven

My then 4 year old son had a week of excitement of being a big brother before our world changed. I experienced a 15 week pregnancy loss prior to my son being born and since then my partner and I have always felt anxious with pregnancy announcements. We decided to wait for after our anatomy scan to tell J that he was going to be a big brother. Our anatomy scan went very well and we were elated to find out that we were having another boy. We came home that night and told J that there was a baby growing in my tummy and he was going to be a big brother.  My sweet J is a sensitive soul and does not like change, so the next hour was filled with lots of questions and big feelings. Then, as we were brushing our teeth before bed, he said “Mama, I actually think I will like having a baby brother” and my heart was at peace. Later that week, we told other close friends and they all shared that J was going to be the best big brother. 

One week after our anatomy scan we had a medical scare that brought us to the ER but after some tests were told that everything seemed fine.  A few days after that I went into PPROM and was admitted to the hospital.  I was there for 5 days before our son, BJ, died. I remember coming home while J was out with my mom and she told him about BJ. As soon as J came home, he had big tears and can’t-catch-your breath sobs and my heart broke all over again. 

When we got to hold BJ, I was mesmerized with how many features J and him shared. Full head of hair, perfect eyebrows, a cute button nose, and square toed feet. I always wonder if BJ would have grown to continue to look like a J mini-me and if their personalities would have been similar. My sadness still comes seeing J around younger kids, when we are around friends and they all have 2 or more children, or when I have to fill out back to school/enrollment forms that ask about family structure. J doesn’t talk about BJ often but when he does it is always with a mix of sadness and longing. J has a brother in heaven and I hate it. 

~Becky
Mama of J, BJ and Davis