Dear Miriam Lyra

Dear Miriam Lyra,

How can it be seven years since you left your watery home inside of me?  In the beginning I could barely make it through each day.  Time seemed to stretch like taffy as I tried to go through hours without you.  In some ways it helped to think of you with your siblings who had died before.  Maybe you, Sam, and Oren were running through the forest together or dancing invisibly in the garden?  But in other ways the fact that three of you had died just made it worse.  How could this happen again?  What did I do wrong to deserve this?  Now that was a silly question I know.  No one “deserves” this pain.  The better question was, “what do I do now?” But asking the big philosophical WHY popped up anyway as I tried to make sense of it all.

I bet you were cute.  I only saw one photo of you and it was a grainy ultrasound photo from after you had died.  How I wish I could have snuggled you in my arms my darling. Would you have had curly hair like me?  I bet you would have had one heck of an attitude at times.  Ha!  You would have given me a run for my money!  I would have loved every minute, even the tantrums- ok maybe not “loved” but I would have loved you!  I still do.

Just because you died doesn’t mean I love you any less.  I will always be your mother.  I may not be able to help you put on your mud boots, but I can look up at the stars and tell you all about them.  Maybe you can hear me.  Heck, maybe you know way more about stars than I do!  I can do things in your honor, things I think you would have liked to do.  Last year we bought a lot of toys and games for the Respite Center.  Your brothers helped me pick them out.  We thought about what a 6 year old girl might like.  Wish you could have shown us by being here.

Your brothers and I will be sending you extra love on July 9th.  That is your special day.  Send some love back to us if you can.

I miss you,
Mommy