My then 4 year old son had a week of excitement of being a big brother before our world changed. I experienced a 15 week pregnancy loss prior to my son being born and since then my partner and I have always felt anxious with pregnancy announcements. We decided to wait for after our anatomy scan to tell J that he was going to be a big brother. Our anatomy scan went very well and we were elated to find out that we were having another boy. We came home that night and told J that there was a baby growing in my tummy and he was going to be a big brother.  My sweet J is a sensitive soul and does not like change, so the next hour was filled with lots of questions and big feelings. Then, as we were brushing our teeth before bed, he said “Mama, I actually think I will like having a baby brother” and my heart was at peace. Later that week, we told other close friends and they all shared that J was going to be the best big brother. 

One week after our anatomy scan we had a medical scare that brought us to the ER but after some tests were told that everything seemed fine.  A few days after that I went into PPROM and was admitted to the hospital.  I was there for 5 days before our son, BJ, died. I remember coming home while J was out with my mom and she told him about BJ. As soon as J came home, he had big tears and can’t-catch-your breath sobs and my heart broke all over again. 

When we got to hold BJ, I was mesmerized with how many features J and him shared. Full head of hair, perfect eyebrows, a cute button nose, and square toed feet. I always wonder if BJ would have grown to continue to look like a J mini-me and if their personalities would have been similar. My sadness still comes seeing J around younger kids, when we are around friends and they all have 2 or more children, or when I have to fill out back to school/enrollment forms that ask about family structure. J doesn’t talk about BJ often but when he does it is always with a mix of sadness and longing. J has a brother in heaven and I hate it. 

~Becky
Mama of J, BJ and Davis

Submitted with love by Lisa Wheelock-Roney, Junior's mom

​This story was originally shared with the Alana Rose Foundation, and we're sharing it here with permission.

The journey to motherhood is not what my innocent youth would have imagined: marry young, have three kids by 30, and raise those kids alongside a loving husband in the country. Instead, my husband and I met, fell in love, and waited to marry for 7.5 years, in October of 2014. I was 33 when we married, he was 41. Currently, we don't live in the country, and the rest of my story here will detail my journey to motherhood.

My husband and I started dating in 2007, however step-mother status took a bit of precedence, and I became full fledged in 2011. One month my step-son moved in, and the next, my oldest step-daughter had a baby girl. I was 30 years old and up to the challenge. Then in early 2015, not six months after my husband and I married, my step-son moved out, however my youngest step-daughter moved in. Two months later, we welcomed a second granddaughter.
 
My step-mother and grandmother role made me contemplate if I wanted biological children as my husband wasn't ready to start over, and being a mother at my age would certainly upset the apple cart! After a particularly trying time for my youngest step-daughter, I decided life is too short to not follow your dreams. That was June 2016. I received news that my oldest step-daughter was pregnant with her third child in December 2017. Honestly, I was so upset. I was upset because it seemed so easy for her to become pregnant again but I hadn't been able to after 18 months of trying. Well? That didn't last long, because a week later, I found out I was pregnant! My step-daughter was due two weeks to-the-day before me.

Because of my age at the time (37), I was offered genetic testing and of course labeled
"advanced maternal age." I feel the doctor didn't give me proper information, or I wasn't
understanding the information regarding genetic testing. I declined any extra testing. At 21
weeks, I found out I was having a boy! I was so happy. At the anatomy scan, I also was told my son had a two vessel umbilical cord instead of three, which would require monthly ultrasounds from then until his birth. I didn't worry as my nephew was a healthy one-year-old that was diagnosed with the same condition, and I was looking forward to more glimpses of my son, which the ultrasounds would provide.
 
During my entire pregnancy, I tried my best to keep my anxiety under control and trust my body, and the process. An example of this is not reading anything about being pregnant and not asking too many questions of my doctor. I trusted he would tell me anything I needed to know. One way I identify myself is by my career, and I was out to prove to everyone that I could do my job to the fullest, even pregnant. I had a very hard time asking for help...and still struggle.
 
At my 29 week ultrasound, my son wasn't moving for the technician. We brushed it off as he was sleeping, because his heartbeat was strong. Immediately after that appointment, I walked across the hall for the appointment with my OB. I specifically remember him asking me if my son was moving enough, and even though I had no idea what "enough" was, I shyly said yes. That was a Thursday. The last time I felt my son move (which was only once a day), was the following Sunday. I was very uncomfortable Monday, and by Tuesday, my belly was "deflated."
 
A quick trip to the clinic on that Tuesday confirmed "fetal demise," no heartbeat. Fetal demise are the harshest words an expecting parent will ever hear or read. It still brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. I was given the option to go home and wait for labor, which could take up to two weeks, or be admitted to the hospital and induced. I could not imagine just waiting for something to happen at home. Oddly enough, I was excited to meet my son and couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. I was admitted to the hospital June 5th, and he was born in the early morning on June 8th, 2018. I named him Junior Lee Roney. Junior, for that was his nickname, even before he was confirmed a boy and Lee is a family name on my husband's side. My third granddaughter was born a month and a half later, healthy.

Since you've read this far, I will now explain the meaning behind the title of my story. My son was laid to rest on June 10th. That morning it had been raining and I woke up to a beautiful yellow sky. From that moment forward, I identify him with the color yellow, specifically yellow hearts. My cousin is able to communicate with our family that have passed. On the way to the hospital to deliver my son, she had contact with our grandparents who said they couldn't wait to meet him and would hold him tight. Several times after that she connected with them to see my grandmother with a yellow blanket. My grandmother would often refer to him, but not by name.
 
I struggled so much after the loss of my son. I kept myself busy and concentrated on trying to have another baby. Empty arms is an awful feeling. In the dark and stillness of winter
2018/2019, I found a woman who had classes for bereaved mothers entitled "Mothering Your Heart". I did the weekly exercises which really dug deep into my grief and helped me
communicate my feelings. During this same time, my mother had broken her hip and I struggled to be the daughter I was before the loss of my son. Previous to losing my son, I helped my family care for her in her lengthy battle with Alzheimer's. I was reliable and confident. After the loss, I struggled to keep up my role as a loving daughter. She was placed in memory care in January, 2019.
 
Big changes happened in 2019. I changed doctors and sought out fertility treatments. I
continued to struggle with anxiety and depression. It took four specialists to finally prescribe the correct medication for me to help me get through everyday. I started listening to an audiobook by my favorite comedian. She had written about how through meditation, counseling and reading a medium's book (Laura Lynn Johnson's), she had learned how to address the loss of her brother when she was young, as well as connect to other loved ones that had passed. It was at this moment in my life I realized that I could communicate with my son. And if I could communicate with my son, I may not need another baby in my arms. I write this with tears in my eyes, but this was the point where I let go and knew I would be ok, because my son is always walking beside me.
 
While coming to the realization that my son is always walking beside me, I also ceased fertility treatments because I was having some terrible side effects, but yet still not getting pregnant. Within weeks, (early November 2019) to my shock and horror I was pregnant. Some of the worst things that happen to a person after loss revolves around children. The loss community calls babies that are born before loss sunshines, and babies that are born after loss rainbows. Being pregnant with my daughter was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life to date. There is no innocent pregnancy after loss. My daughter was healthy and the pregnancy went well even with extra monitoring. However, in late April 2020, my mother was hospitalized and subsequently put in hospice. My son "whispered" to me during this time, pushing me to visit my Mom. I was 7 months pregnant when my mother passed away. My daughter, my rainbow, was born two months and two days after the loss of my mother.
 
I did not process the loss of my mother right away because I was just trying to keep my
daughter alive. It was October 2020 when my grief hit me hard. I let myself grieve not only the loss of my mother, but my son all over again. Again, I write this with tears in my eyes because the loss is still very fresh and very raw. You are reading this right after the second and fourth anniversaries of my major losses.
 
My daughter will be two in July, and since her birth, my grandson was born. Oftentimes my
daughter will do something and I'll ask her if it was brother telling her to do that! We just always wish that he was here with her, getting into trouble and playing together as brother and sister. The only hope and comfort I have is that my cousin still sees my son and mother together. My mother gets to be "well" and the grandmother we always thought she'd be on earth. My son still shows himself to me with yellow and my mom with the color blue and cardinals.
 
I hope you always feel your loved ones walking beside you whether here on earth or spiritually.

Submitted with love by Lisa Wheelock-Roney - Junior's mom

​I remember the excitement of that day, April 14th, 2020. 
I remember getting the date of when we would finally meet.
I remember November 30th like it was yesterday. 
I remember checking in at 6am.
I remember the nerves when the nurses went to go get the doctor.
I remember the room being quiet.
I remember the emptiness when he told us the news.
I remember the feeling of holding you there.
I remember leaving with just a box as now you are my angel.
I remember it all like it was yesterday.
I remember Alister Enzo, for that is your name
 
Kayla, forever Alister’s mom

Coming down is hard
The further you’ve built it up
Knowing what you’ve got left
There is no way to know
 
You’ve poured everything you had
Into a little distilment of you
A fulfillment of all you dreamed
Nobody should have to go
Through what we do
Bleak times they fade so slow
 
How are we to know
What it means to be so high
The lowest you will go
You never can define
 
Never remaining
Pulling us on down
The moments you’ve got left
There is no way to know
 
You’ve poured everything you had
Into a little distilment of you
A fulfillment of all you dreamed
Nobody should have to go
Through what we do
Bleak times they fade so slow
 
You’ve poured everything you had
Into a little distilment of you
A fulfillment of all you dreamed
Nobody should have to go
Through what we do
Bleak times they fade so slow
 
~ Song written by Zach, father of Theodore and Holden

​

Dear Mama,

There will never be the right words to convey the depth of my sorrow for the loss of your sweet baby. No one should have to experience the loss of a child, regardless of age or gestation. Please know that while you may feel alone, you are not. You may not know it, but there is a supportive community of other mothers of loss who will be there to guide you. They will reassure you of two things: it’s not your fault and some day you will be able to carry this loss more easily.

It's not your fault. There is still so much we do not know about the human body, which is maddening. Please know that you did everything right with the information you had available at the time. You were a fighter and if your love and strength were the sole factors in a different outcome, then it would have happened. Your sweet baby knows how much you love them and wanted them. You did everything you could, even if it may have meant putting yourself at risk. Please find peace in the time you carried your sweet baby and the way you got to say good-bye. Embrace the memories of the first ultrasound and the first kicks. Know that they felt your love when you’d talk, or sing, or read to them. 

Take heart and be strong. I know how easy it is to fall into darkness and despair, but it’s important to look towards the light, even when it feels like you’re drowning. Reach out to your family and friends. Understand that they may not know the right thing to say or do. Forgive them for this. Tell them what you need. Let them comfort you. You deserve their comfort. Please don’t punish yourself for this. Your child would not want you to live your life in despair.  

Your child matters and will always matter. Say their name. Look at their picture. Hold their blanket and think of them. Keep their memory alive however you feel necessary: plant a garden, make donations in their name, give them a stocking at Christmas, or include them in your family however feels right to you. 

This will always hurt, and you’ll always miss them and wonder “what if?” but please don’t let this define you. You are more than the sum of your losses and struggles in life. Honor your child by living how you think they would want you to live. Care for yourself as you would want to care for them. ​

With love,
Danielle
Luciano’s Mom